Every day is hard but how much harder can it get. Living in the world of trauma I am already waiting for that next kick in the pants. Waiting for the next person to let me down. Waiting to be hurt once again. I have no idea what it is like to get up every morning without fear. My abuse ended physically over 20 years ago but every day I relive parts of it. This can be waking up and reliving the nightmare I just had. It could be a simple thing triggering me into a flashback. You know when it is the hardest, those days when your husband comes up behinds you and hugs you or kiss you and you flinch. Knowing that my flinch causes my husband hurt is the worse thing to endure. I hate knowing there are people around me that judge me when I react in situations in a negative way.
I hate that a small situation can make me defensive and I react before I think. Usually this means I react in anger. I completely shut down and the only thing I can do is go into protection mode. I know people don’t get why I react the way I do in those situation, Hell I don’t always understand why I do. I want what most people want, that is to feel that the people around you are able to support you even when they are not able to understand.
Vulnerability is the worse thing for me. I hate to ever let anyone know they have hurt me. I tend to push people away so they don’t have the chance to hurt me. However, when they finally do leave me, I experience that abandonment feeling. The most embarrassing thing is when I show people I fear losing them, that I come off as needy and always needing reassurances. What I hope is that one day I can have normal friendships and normal reactions to them. For now I at least keep trying and working on myself. Big thanks to the people in my life that I know 100% always are trying their best to understand me and support me. One day I will be able to have a healthy interaction when things throw me off balance. Like always thanks for listening to my ramble!
I was lucky earlier this week I spent some time with an amazing 17 year old. This experience ended up being an awaking for me. This 17 year old was a reminder of me at 17 and how crazy life could be at that time. Here was I realized during the evening we spent together. I have continued to put all the blame on myself for allowing my abuse to continue well past the time I felt that I should have been able to stop it. This particular kid reminded me how fragile life is at 17 and how confusing things can be. How can I continue to blame my 17 year old self? I was just trying to survive! Of course I didn’t want to be rejected, ignored, not loved. This is every persons basic need. He broke me and made me live every day of my life wondering when I will be free. When will someone want me for me?
I have spend most of my adult life continuing to believe all the shit I was told. No one would ever want me. I couldn’t survive without him in my life. Now I wonder how I was able to be the person I am today. I wonder why I was lucky enough to find a man who loves me and truly wants me. Even though I have all of that I still question his motives everyday. Maybe he is not still here because he loves me, maybe he is here because it is easier then starting over. I hate that my abusers have me second guess the one person in my life that wants me and loves me. Now I need to figure out how to completely take back my power. I need to shut off the voices that tell me I can’t survive without him. I need to stop hearing my abuser every day try to break down my confidence. I make a promise to myself I will find away to shut their fucking voices down in my head. I will continue to survive. I will continue to be the woman I want to be. This is my time all my time! One day I will be able to tell him to fuck off!
Let’s go back a little ways to when I was a child. Imagine being 7 years old the first time a person who is suppose to take care of you violates not just your body but your mind and soul. How does a child of 7 deal with that? How is adult who was that child suppose to deal with that? Well if you have not dealt with this type of trauma let me tell you how we deal with that! First we avoid anyone as a child and as a adult who could cause the same shame and degrading feelings that stay with you. For me, I just isolated myself. If I never left the house no one could get to me, no one could be allowed to hurt me. Well this worked amazingly well for many years. Then one day at 32 you have no option but to stop the isolation and get out into the scary fucked up world. Now what am I suppose to do. I look over my shoulder, I make sure I am always in a position to get away fast. That gets exhausting after awhile and it becomes harder to feel safe. All I wanted to do was go home and close and lock that door, but that is no longer an option. So shit what’s next how do I keep going? I kept going by taking a lot of meds for anxiety and depression but they only helped to a point. I needed to find away out of the darkness that has been so safe for me. The more meds I took and the more I had to leave my house I started to get angry! I was angry with myself. I would say, “Jen stop being a baby stop whining your an adult act like one!” Easier to say then actually do. So I need to make my next step. How do I move into the world and out of my house? Well I decided to just go for it and went back to school. OMG the first few months were the hardest thing I have ever done! It also became the one thing that saved me. I finally would have a purpose!!
I heard from my doctor last week. She has been consulting with an endocrinologist about my testing that she has been doing to see if I have Cushing’s. The tests she ran some came back normal and some came back positive for Cushing’s. After the consult she and I will be meeting tomorrow and it looks like I would get a referral and have more of the same tests ran with some alterations to the test. She is also going to be running test to check on my diagnosis of PCOS. I got this diagnosis about 18 years ago and the doctor’s did not ruin any tests at that time. I fit the criteria for PCOS but now we will find out if this is really accurate. At this point I would like to just have some clear directions of what is going on so I can move forward if there is a treatment or learn how to live with my conditions without having it rule of my life. I see my doctor tomorrow so I hope to have an idea what is next at that time. Stay with me and see where this leads me……
I am not sure what has been going on with me lately. I am struggling to figure out where I belong. I have amazing friends who are always there for me but lately I don’t feel like being around people. I am sure with everything going on with my job and my health that is a part of the problem. If you have ever worked for a program for a few years and built friends with your coworkers and then took the supervisor position it’s hard to figure out to make it all work.
I have always been that person to never feels good enough. I convince myself a lot that the people in my life are there out of sympathy. Logically I know this is probably not true but growing up being molested it really kills your ability to not look at everyone in your life and wondering what they will want from me eventually. I continue to work on this in therapy but I worry I will never feel secure in my relationship or in my ability to nurture a relationship. Oh well I will continue faking it until I make it. I missed therapy today and apparently I needed it this week. This has been a great way to process my thoughts.