Every day is hard but how much harder can it get. Living in the world of trauma I am already waiting for that next kick in the pants. Waiting for the next person to let me down. Waiting to be hurt once again. I have no idea what it is like to get up every morning without fear. My abuse ended physically over 20 years ago but every day I relive parts of it. This can be waking up and reliving the nightmare I just had. It could be a simple thing triggering me into a flashback. You know when it is the hardest, those days when your husband comes up behinds you and hugs you or kiss you and you flinch. Knowing that my flinch causes my husband hurt is the worse thing to endure. I hate knowing there are people around me that judge me when I react in situations in a negative way.
I hate that a small situation can make me defensive and I react before I think. Usually this means I react in anger. I completely shut down and the only thing I can do is go into protection mode. I know people don’t get why I react the way I do in those situation, Hell I don’t always understand why I do. I want what most people want, that is to feel that the people around you are able to support you even when they are not able to understand.
Vulnerability is the worse thing for me. I hate to ever let anyone know they have hurt me. I tend to push people away so they don’t have the chance to hurt me. However, when they finally do leave me, I experience that abandonment feeling. The most embarrassing thing is when I show people I fear losing them, that I come off as needy and always needing reassurances. What I hope is that one day I can have normal friendships and normal reactions to them. For now I at least keep trying and working on myself. Big thanks to the people in my life that I know 100% always are trying their best to understand me and support me. One day I will be able to have a healthy interaction when things throw me off balance. Like always thanks for listening to my ramble!
The simplest things in life can tigger you right back to your pass. Always heard that when a person deals with trauma in childhood that person can stop changing moving forward. Sometimes our stages of growth stop where in whatever stage we were in when the abuse started. I have really come to see that this is true. I am a social worker who works with mental health consumers and I have told them this all though my career, I never really understood it though until I started my own journey. Lately I have found myself stepping into my adolescent stage. I have come to realize that because of my abuse I did not successfully gone though all the stages of development in a healthy way. It has been more apparent as of late. I find myself letting the words of my abuser start to make me doubt myself and those around me. I find that the more I start to doubt the louder the words become. The louder my abuser becomes and I allow that person to continue to steal my power and my ability to know that I am good enough. I hate letting someone who is dead to continue to have this much power. I am not sure how to stop the voice in my head that continues to tell me I cannot survive without him to take care of me. I hate myself at times for allowing him to get so far into my head that I can’t get him out of it. When will I find that I am good enough and that the people around me see that I am good enough. I keep pushing people away lately to protect myself because I truly do not want to be hurt over and over so if I push and they leave then guess what my abuser is right. As a social worker I know that logically my thoughts are bullshit but it is not always was to be logical but it is very easy to be irrational and judge yourself. The part I struggle with is no matter how many times people try and reassure me it does not help. Hearing my friends tell me I am enough just continues to push me away because that voice in my head (I am not crazy this is the words my abuser would tell me) never allows me to forget that I am not good enough and that I cannot survive without him. I will keep pushing myself forward and continue my therapy and take things as they come. One day my life will be mine again!
If you know anything about trauma you know that the hardest thing to deal with is the triggers! I go a long time doing well and then one of those triggers will come up and hit me square in the face. It still catches me off guard the triggers that will set me off. When I think about how far I have come and the small things that can set me off I get so angry with myself. I cannot keep letting the men, if that is what they should be called, continue to have this much power over me. I think my biggest confusion is why do I continue to punish the 7 year old me. Why does she continue to be the one I blame? She is my shadow who is always with me and when I see her all I can see is a penis in her mouth. Logically I know that she should not be to blame but the irrational side of me continues to blame. I have realized over time that part of my issue with the 7 year old is she is the one that made me vulnerable to the continued abused that I face with the second abuser. This abuse left me an easy target to be groomed and made to feel that I was in a relationship but no really this person just knew I was an easy target. The hardest part of all of this for me is that I am left feeling shame and that some how I either asked for it or wanted it. I can hear my therapist in my head right now and I know what she would say but the feels are still there. When will I be able to let the 7 year old go and stop blaming myself for the horrible abuse I had to endure by two men who were selfish and played off my vulnerability.