I find myself asking this question a lot in my life. It would be nice to have to think about what happens next. I do though and have to have a plan for anything that could come up. If I don’t plan I can prepare and if I can’t prepare my world will spin out of control. I should say out of my control. This is pretty fun to me when I writer this, because anytime I have had a plan for anything the world looks and my and laughs and it is time to just figure it out on the fly. Which of course I do every time. I am strong and stubborn to not make things work.
Let’s look at a few things that have been out of my control. I never thought I would lose my mom as quickly as I did. I had plans and I was determined that these plans would happen so I could make one more memory. This all changed on Good Friday which started with my mom waking screaming in pain. The cancer had ate at her femur and when she got up the bone could no longer support her and it snapped. This is the start of the end. She had surgery on her leg and did very well. I got to take her home the Wednesday after Good Friday. We had great day together on Thursday and she was doing great. An hour after I went to bed I was woke by her hitting my bedroom wall to wake me. In just a few hours my mom went from being able to talk and communicate to not being able to understand her. That Friday when she was home from the hospital because we knew the end was near, we got one last gift from mom. She reached out and hugged all the people she loved and wanted with her. This was the last time she had her eyes open.
Another look at how crazy I can get sometimes. I opened my own business last year with 2 partners. I have spent a lot of time worrying that I would not be good enough and I would be voted out of the business I worked so hard for. There has never been any indication that anyone has even thought about that, but since I am always waiting for the next issue I had become paranoid about this. Over the last few weeks I have been working on looking at what I have done in my life. I need to stop worrying about something that may never happened, but at the end of the day it would be okay because I did it once I can do it again. I would never stop living this dream. Just might look a little different.
So much has changed in the last 2 months and I am waiting for the next roller coster. I worry that this time it may be my marriage. My husband and I are struggling to connect again and figure out how to move forward in life right now. He works a lot, most of my time is spent at the business, and for the last year I have been a caregiver. I am not sure what is next or how to figure out how to hold on to the things and people I have in my life.
I continue to cut myself off from people. My people reach out to make plans and in the moment I agree to the plans, but when the day actually comes I can’t even make myself leave the house. I try not to confide in people because then I have to be vulnerable all over again. Some of these people seen me at my worst, and I know they did not judge but I let my guard down and that is the worst thing for me. I get up and leave my house and put the smile on my face and people think I am doing okay. By the end of the day when I get home I am so exhausted from pretending I sit on the couch and do nothing until I can go to bed. Do you ever wonder just how long you can continue to pretend before the weight of it just does you in. I am broken and I can’t figure out how to put me back together again. Maybe I am not suppose too. Maybe I did everything I was suppose to in this life and now it’s just about pretending and hanging on. I guess time will tell. For now I will keep asking myself the question, what happens next?