Not the Easiest Week!

This week has been a struggle. With everything going on with my mom, I have not been able to just keep pushing things down. Sitting in the office with my partners I had to walk away because I broke down. I do not have time to break down and cry and feel weak. That will not help my mom and the situation. She is dying and I just keep over doing everything so I can avoid thinking about it. When I do this the mean in me comes out. I was mean to someone important to me most of the week. I know I was mean and all I wanted was someone else to hurt as much as I am right now. It is so easy to just let the mean out instead of just admitting I am not doing okay. I want to find a deep hole and lay into and pretend that nothing in life exists anymore.

The worse part is I want to make someone else hurt the way I am hurting. What kind of a person thinks like that. I am a therapist and I am thinking this way. Then I have these amazing people in my life who are there to support me, love me, and try and pick me up and what do I do just pretend I am okay until I am not. I hate that these people in my life have this false sense idea that I am strong, and driven, and amazing when it is all an act. I live by the moto fake it until you make it. Apparently I am good at faking it because no one sees the real me. The hateful, angry, ugly person who is living inside this false sense of reality. Most of the time people figure me out but I have still managed to keep these few people on the hook thinking I have my shit together. One day they will figure out who I really am and they will be free. It always comes out at the end. For some reason it is just taking longer with these amazing people. I will fuck it up sooner or later. I always do!! Time to stop whining and go to bed have to get up and be amazing again in the morning! By the way Pancreatic Cancer SUCKS and sucks the soul out of the patient and the family who is there to watch is take over.

Trauma always comes back to haunt you!

The simplest things in life can tigger you right back to your pass. Always heard that when a person deals with trauma in childhood that person can stop changing moving forward. Sometimes our stages of growth stop where in whatever stage we were in when the abuse started. I have really come to see that this is true. I am a social worker who works with mental health consumers and I have told them this all though my career, I never really understood it though until I started my own journey. Lately I have found myself stepping into my adolescent stage. I have come to realize that because of my abuse I did not successfully gone though all the stages of development in a healthy way. It has been more apparent as of late. I find myself letting the words of my abuser start to make me doubt myself and those around me. I find that the more I start to doubt the louder the words become. The louder my abuser becomes and I allow that person to continue to steal my power and my ability to know that I am good enough. I hate letting someone who is dead to continue to have this much power. I am not sure how to stop the voice in my head that continues to tell me I cannot survive without him to take care of me. I hate myself at times for allowing him to get so far into my head that I can’t get him out of it. When will I find that I am good enough and that the people around me see that I am good enough. I keep pushing people away lately to protect myself because I truly do not want to be hurt over and over so if I push and they leave then guess what my abuser is right. As a social worker I know that logically my thoughts are bullshit but it is not always was to be logical but it is very easy to be irrational and judge yourself. The part I struggle with is no matter how many times people try and reassure me it does not help. Hearing my friends tell me I am enough just continues to push me away because that voice in my head (I am not crazy this is the words my abuser would tell me) never allows me to forget that I am not good enough and that I cannot survive without him. I will keep pushing myself forward and continue my therapy and take things as they come. One day my life will be mine again!