The simplest things in life can tigger you right back to your pass. Always heard that when a person deals with trauma in childhood that person can stop changing moving forward. Sometimes our stages of growth stop where in whatever stage we were in when the abuse started. I have really come to see that this is true. I am a social worker who works with mental health consumers and I have told them this all though my career, I never really understood it though until I started my own journey. Lately I have found myself stepping into my adolescent stage. I have come to realize that because of my abuse I did not successfully gone though all the stages of development in a healthy way. It has been more apparent as of late. I find myself letting the words of my abuser start to make me doubt myself and those around me. I find that the more I start to doubt the louder the words become. The louder my abuser becomes and I allow that person to continue to steal my power and my ability to know that I am good enough. I hate letting someone who is dead to continue to have this much power. I am not sure how to stop the voice in my head that continues to tell me I cannot survive without him to take care of me. I hate myself at times for allowing him to get so far into my head that I can’t get him out of it. When will I find that I am good enough and that the people around me see that I am good enough. I keep pushing people away lately to protect myself because I truly do not want to be hurt over and over so if I push and they leave then guess what my abuser is right. As a social worker I know that logically my thoughts are bullshit but it is not always was to be logical but it is very easy to be irrational and judge yourself. The part I struggle with is no matter how many times people try and reassure me it does not help. Hearing my friends tell me I am enough just continues to push me away because that voice in my head (I am not crazy this is the words my abuser would tell me) never allows me to forget that I am not good enough and that I cannot survive without him. I will keep pushing myself forward and continue my therapy and take things as they come. One day my life will be mine again!
Groom what is it most people hear this term and really do not understand what it is and how it can affect a person. Grooming is how a person is able to control and manipulate a child or even an adult into doing what they want someone to do. I am going to explain groom in terms of my own abuse. Imagine being 13 years old, and in those short years already faced years of being molested by an adult who was suppose to love and care for you. That person is thankfully taken out of your life and you think for a minute that you are finally safe. That 13 year old was me. I was ready to be safe and happy and I was for a very short time. That ended when the next person came into my life and was able to see I was a broken soul and an easy child to manipulate for your own benefit. This person came into my life and told me I was safe and loved and that the rest of my life I would be ok. This is how the grooming started. Because this person was able to see I was broken and vulnerable this person knew just how to get me to believe that I was safe. This man was charming and loved by everyone that I trusted. He started to make me feel that I was the most important person in the world and that he was going to love and protect me forever. As a vulnerable 13 year old who has been hurt so completely this felt like the best thing in the world. Whenever I started to think about what this person was saying to me I would question myself but come on I was 13 years old what did I know. Everyone thought this man was amazing so I should also right? Things started so slowly that I was not able to see what was really happening until it was to late and I was under his spell. I write about this today because I have been reminded in my job that this is becoming more and more prevalent in our society and it scares the hell out of me. Groomers leave us feeling that we asked for this situation and that they are the only ones that know what is best for us. They also leave us with very little ways out. I have been triggered more and more lately and I want people to see how groomers are able to take over our lives and change the person we are right now. It is not our fault but the groomers but it is hard to see that in the minute. There is so much more to this story but I wanted to start here. Please realize that we can survive this but it is hell at the time and for a long time after. Don’t blame the person who has been manipulated it is not our fault and trust me we already blame ourselves. Try and understand without placing blame on the person who is just trying to survive.
If you have ever faced a trauma that has stopped you in your tracks then you will probably understand me and my feelings to some point as everyone faces life different. More and more I am learning how my trauma has shaped my life and in most ways I am happy with the person I am today, but I am also seeing a lot of pieces of myself I am not happy with. Life most people I want to be that good well rounded person but I am falling short. When I say I am falling short these are my words no alone else. The person I would like to be is the person I pretend to be and hide from the world. I can’t allow anyone to sees what is under my pretend outside projections. I want to be the person who has it all together, but if I am being truthful I am the person who second guesses herself at every turn. I look at people in my life and think these people are only there because I pretend to be nice and helpful and strong. However the truth is I am lonely, self-conscious, envious, person who does not know how much longer she can continue to not feel like enough. My time in therapy has been the saving grace in my life because I am not sure where I would be today without the work I have already put in. Every time I go I see more truth in my thoughts and realize I am not a person anyone should want to put themself into my life. I always remind myself that is why I am working so hard on my trauma so when I get to the other side I can try and be the person I truly want to be. Lately I have been having more flashbacks and dreams. The other night my husband and I went to bed together and in the middle of the night I find myself standing in my dinning room calling for my husband because I thought he was gone. The truth is he was in bed where I just was but my nightmare made me feel like he was gone and finally done dealing with all of my issues. I long to feel less alone in my world and long for my trauma to stop defining my life. Thank you for reading my blog I have been finding this process very freeing for me. I am no longer allowing myself to keep everything in. This blog is important to my recovery from a life of trauma.