I find myself asking this question a lot in my life. It would be nice to have to think about what happens next. I do though and have to have a plan for anything that could come up. If I don’t plan I can prepare and if I can’t prepare my world will spin out of control. I should say out of my control. This is pretty fun to me when I writer this, because anytime I have had a plan for anything the world looks and my and laughs and it is time to just figure it out on the fly. Which of course I do every time. I am strong and stubborn to not make things work.
Let’s look at a few things that have been out of my control. I never thought I would lose my mom as quickly as I did. I had plans and I was determined that these plans would happen so I could make one more memory. This all changed on Good Friday which started with my mom waking screaming in pain. The cancer had ate at her femur and when she got up the bone could no longer support her and it snapped. This is the start of the end. She had surgery on her leg and did very well. I got to take her home the Wednesday after Good Friday. We had great day together on Thursday and she was doing great. An hour after I went to bed I was woke by her hitting my bedroom wall to wake me. In just a few hours my mom went from being able to talk and communicate to not being able to understand her. That Friday when she was home from the hospital because we knew the end was near, we got one last gift from mom. She reached out and hugged all the people she loved and wanted with her. This was the last time she had her eyes open.
Another look at how crazy I can get sometimes. I opened my own business last year with 2 partners. I have spent a lot of time worrying that I would not be good enough and I would be voted out of the business I worked so hard for. There has never been any indication that anyone has even thought about that, but since I am always waiting for the next issue I had become paranoid about this. Over the last few weeks I have been working on looking at what I have done in my life. I need to stop worrying about something that may never happened, but at the end of the day it would be okay because I did it once I can do it again. I would never stop living this dream. Just might look a little different.
So much has changed in the last 2 months and I am waiting for the next roller coster. I worry that this time it may be my marriage. My husband and I are struggling to connect again and figure out how to move forward in life right now. He works a lot, most of my time is spent at the business, and for the last year I have been a caregiver. I am not sure what is next or how to figure out how to hold on to the things and people I have in my life.
I continue to cut myself off from people. My people reach out to make plans and in the moment I agree to the plans, but when the day actually comes I can’t even make myself leave the house. I try not to confide in people because then I have to be vulnerable all over again. Some of these people seen me at my worst, and I know they did not judge but I let my guard down and that is the worst thing for me. I get up and leave my house and put the smile on my face and people think I am doing okay. By the end of the day when I get home I am so exhausted from pretending I sit on the couch and do nothing until I can go to bed. Do you ever wonder just how long you can continue to pretend before the weight of it just does you in. I am broken and I can’t figure out how to put me back together again. Maybe I am not suppose too. Maybe I did everything I was suppose to in this life and now it’s just about pretending and hanging on. I guess time will tell. For now I will keep asking myself the question, what happens next?
This week has been a struggle. With everything going on with my mom, I have not been able to just keep pushing things down. Sitting in the office with my partners I had to walk away because I broke down. I do not have time to break down and cry and feel weak. That will not help my mom and the situation. She is dying and I just keep over doing everything so I can avoid thinking about it. When I do this the mean in me comes out. I was mean to someone important to me most of the week. I know I was mean and all I wanted was someone else to hurt as much as I am right now. It is so easy to just let the mean out instead of just admitting I am not doing okay. I want to find a deep hole and lay into and pretend that nothing in life exists anymore.
The worse part is I want to make someone else hurt the way I am hurting. What kind of a person thinks like that. I am a therapist and I am thinking this way. Then I have these amazing people in my life who are there to support me, love me, and try and pick me up and what do I do just pretend I am okay until I am not. I hate that these people in my life have this false sense idea that I am strong, and driven, and amazing when it is all an act. I live by the moto fake it until you make it. Apparently I am good at faking it because no one sees the real me. The hateful, angry, ugly person who is living inside this false sense of reality. Most of the time people figure me out but I have still managed to keep these few people on the hook thinking I have my shit together. One day they will figure out who I really am and they will be free. It always comes out at the end. For some reason it is just taking longer with these amazing people. I will fuck it up sooner or later. I always do!! Time to stop whining and go to bed have to get up and be amazing again in the morning! By the way Pancreatic Cancer SUCKS and sucks the soul out of the patient and the family who is there to watch is take over.
The simplest things in life can tigger you right back to your pass. Always heard that when a person deals with trauma in childhood that person can stop changing moving forward. Sometimes our stages of growth stop where in whatever stage we were in when the abuse started. I have really come to see that this is true. I am a social worker who works with mental health consumers and I have told them this all though my career, I never really understood it though until I started my own journey. Lately I have found myself stepping into my adolescent stage. I have come to realize that because of my abuse I did not successfully gone though all the stages of development in a healthy way. It has been more apparent as of late. I find myself letting the words of my abuser start to make me doubt myself and those around me. I find that the more I start to doubt the louder the words become. The louder my abuser becomes and I allow that person to continue to steal my power and my ability to know that I am good enough. I hate letting someone who is dead to continue to have this much power. I am not sure how to stop the voice in my head that continues to tell me I cannot survive without him to take care of me. I hate myself at times for allowing him to get so far into my head that I can’t get him out of it. When will I find that I am good enough and that the people around me see that I am good enough. I keep pushing people away lately to protect myself because I truly do not want to be hurt over and over so if I push and they leave then guess what my abuser is right. As a social worker I know that logically my thoughts are bullshit but it is not always was to be logical but it is very easy to be irrational and judge yourself. The part I struggle with is no matter how many times people try and reassure me it does not help. Hearing my friends tell me I am enough just continues to push me away because that voice in my head (I am not crazy this is the words my abuser would tell me) never allows me to forget that I am not good enough and that I cannot survive without him. I will keep pushing myself forward and continue my therapy and take things as they come. One day my life will be mine again!