This week has been a struggle. With everything going on with my mom, I have not been able to just keep pushing things down. Sitting in the office with my partners I had to walk away because I broke down. I do not have time to break down and cry and feel weak. That will not help my mom and the situation. She is dying and I just keep over doing everything so I can avoid thinking about it. When I do this the mean in me comes out. I was mean to someone important to me most of the week. I know I was mean and all I wanted was someone else to hurt as much as I am right now. It is so easy to just let the mean out instead of just admitting I am not doing okay. I want to find a deep hole and lay into and pretend that nothing in life exists anymore.
The worse part is I want to make someone else hurt the way I am hurting. What kind of a person thinks like that. I am a therapist and I am thinking this way. Then I have these amazing people in my life who are there to support me, love me, and try and pick me up and what do I do just pretend I am okay until I am not. I hate that these people in my life have this false sense idea that I am strong, and driven, and amazing when it is all an act. I live by the moto fake it until you make it. Apparently I am good at faking it because no one sees the real me. The hateful, angry, ugly person who is living inside this false sense of reality. Most of the time people figure me out but I have still managed to keep these few people on the hook thinking I have my shit together. One day they will figure out who I really am and they will be free. It always comes out at the end. For some reason it is just taking longer with these amazing people. I will fuck it up sooner or later. I always do!! Time to stop whining and go to bed have to get up and be amazing again in the morning! By the way Pancreatic Cancer SUCKS and sucks the soul out of the patient and the family who is there to watch is take over.