I am sitting here writing this by my husbands bedside. Around 11:45 he called me and said he was in an accident. They were taking him to the hospital. Of course I am an hour away at work. I drop everything and race to his side. My husband has always been my rock and the strongest man I know. When I walked into trauma room 2 and some my strong husband just lying there my heart dropped. Sitting here and hearing his quiet voice, which is normally never quiet I am just thankful when I stepped to the bed his blue eyes found me. Then I just wanted to smack him because he says he is sorry. Dude really accidents happen and I am just glad he is ok! I continue to sit with him waiting for the results of his CT and X-rays so we will know for sure that all is ok. For the first time in our marriage he will need me to be strong and take care of him. Doctor just came in and was able to take the neck brace off as those scans came back ok. Just waiting for the chest, stomach scans to come back. Doctor is telling him he is lucky and I agree!
If you know anything about trauma you know that the hardest thing to deal with is the triggers! I go a long time doing well and then one of those triggers will come up and hit me square in the face. It still catches me off guard the triggers that will set me off. When I think about how far I have come and the small things that can set me off I get so angry with myself. I cannot keep letting the men, if that is what they should be called, continue to have this much power over me. I think my biggest confusion is why do I continue to punish the 7 year old me. Why does she continue to be the one I blame? She is my shadow who is always with me and when I see her all I can see is a penis in her mouth. Logically I know that she should not be to blame but the irrational side of me continues to blame. I have realized over time that part of my issue with the 7 year old is she is the one that made me vulnerable to the continued abused that I face with the second abuser. This abuse left me an easy target to be groomed and made to feel that I was in a relationship but no really this person just knew I was an easy target. The hardest part of all of this for me is that I am left feeling shame and that some how I either asked for it or wanted it. I can hear my therapist in my head right now and I know what she would say but the feels are still there. When will I be able to let the 7 year old go and stop blaming myself for the horrible abuse I had to endure by two men who were selfish and played off my vulnerability.
I am not sure if I have told everyone that I live in Wisconsin, but let me tell you that Mother Nature has been reminding me a lot lately. The last couple of weeks it has either been really really cold or we have been dealing with a lot of snow. This winter has been long and I have noticed that my depression has been worse without getting outside and getting the sunlight. Between the weather, dealing with my health, and a rough couple weeks at work I am ready for some downtime. Of course it is only Wednesday so downtime can’t happen for a few more days.
I wanted to get on yesterday and writer but yesterday was a long crazy day. We dealt with a snow storm and I ended up staying at home but did not get to just enjoy the quiet. I got a cal from my doctor’s office and they wanted me to come in because the mammogram I had on Monday left them concerned. They wanted me in right away, I am thankful that my husband was also home so I would not be alone. Of course I was very nervous and had to deal with that plus driving in the snow storm. I got there and I was there so long I just continued to freak out. They ended up doing more images and they then wanted me to have an ultrasound. No one was giving me any answers which was just causing me more stress. At the end of this appointment all I was told is that everything is fine. I never was able to get a clear answer on what the concern actually was. Medicine can be very frustrating and I am ready to just be done with all of that. I have more testing coming up trying to determine if I have Cushing’s or something else is going on. I just hope this can be figured out ASAP so I can move on with life. Stay tuned I will keep updating as things go forward….
I have this saying Tattooed on my arm as the start of my trauma tattoo. So much truth in this one.
I heard from my doctor last week. She has been consulting with an endocrinologist about my testing that she has been doing to see if I have Cushing’s. The tests she ran some came back normal and some came back positive for Cushing’s. After the consult she and I will be meeting tomorrow and it looks like I would get a referral and have more of the same tests ran with some alterations to the test. She is also going to be running test to check on my diagnosis of PCOS. I got this diagnosis about 18 years ago and the doctor’s did not ruin any tests at that time. I fit the criteria for PCOS but now we will find out if this is really accurate. At this point I would like to just have some clear directions of what is going on so I can move forward if there is a treatment or learn how to live with my conditions without having it rule of my life. I see my doctor tomorrow so I hope to have an idea what is next at that time. Stay with me and see where this leads me……
If you have ever faced a trauma that has stopped you in your tracks then you will probably understand me and my feelings to some point as everyone faces life different. More and more I am learning how my trauma has shaped my life and in most ways I am happy with the person I am today, but I am also seeing a lot of pieces of myself I am not happy with. Life most people I want to be that good well rounded person but I am falling short. When I say I am falling short these are my words no alone else. The person I would like to be is the person I pretend to be and hide from the world. I can’t allow anyone to sees what is under my pretend outside projections. I want to be the person who has it all together, but if I am being truthful I am the person who second guesses herself at every turn. I look at people in my life and think these people are only there because I pretend to be nice and helpful and strong. However the truth is I am lonely, self-conscious, envious, person who does not know how much longer she can continue to not feel like enough. My time in therapy has been the saving grace in my life because I am not sure where I would be today without the work I have already put in. Every time I go I see more truth in my thoughts and realize I am not a person anyone should want to put themself into my life. I always remind myself that is why I am working so hard on my trauma so when I get to the other side I can try and be the person I truly want to be. Lately I have been having more flashbacks and dreams. The other night my husband and I went to bed together and in the middle of the night I find myself standing in my dinning room calling for my husband because I thought he was gone. The truth is he was in bed where I just was but my nightmare made me feel like he was gone and finally done dealing with all of my issues. I long to feel less alone in my world and long for my trauma to stop defining my life. Thank you for reading my blog I have been finding this process very freeing for me. I am no longer allowing myself to keep everything in. This blog is important to my recovery from a life of trauma.